Highly Accurate Horoscope 2016

One of my many relevant and completely genuine qualifications is that of the mystical art of the horoscope, so in an effort to get some content up on here I thought I’d take the easy way out diversify the blog’s focus and utilise my very real horoscopy skills to give the readership that which all 23 of them definitely need, even if they’re pretty damn certain that they don’t: a trite and at times slightly off-colour summary of how their lives will play out for roughly the next 12 months.

So whether you’re a chef, one of those grating bourgeois hipsters whose current obsession is food-centric, a relative/friend/ex-colleague of mine who feels obliged to continue reading, a stay-at-home-parent with spirit not yet broken, or just simply deranged, let me help you navigate the existential morass. JUST LET ME. What’s the worst that can happen? That I could unwittingly touch upon one of your deeply hidden, crippling fears and send you into an agonising spiral of self-loathing that takes days to claw your way out of? If you’re a hospitality worker that’s probably part of your weekly routine anyway: get over it.

Just a moment while I quickly Google a list of star signs and then we’ll get right on with it.

Aquarius AKA: Jug of water

Full disclosure: this is my star sign. Brace yourself for a year of astonishing personal achievement and mind-blowing greatness. This year is just going to be hit after hit and the highlights will just. not. stop. coming. This will also be the year that your once cute but now tedious pixie-cut finally grows out in an elegant, stylish way.

Spirit Entity: Taylor Swift leaving her glam New York apartment in a perfectly styled ensemble with her #squad of models trailing behind.


Pisces AKA: A fish

Your star sign is a fish. You’ve been dealt a shitty hand in life. Wallowing in the cesspool of lame star signs, cursing your celestial fate. Well be existentially pissed-off no longer because this is the year where it all turns around. Or maybe not. Who really knows? One of your categorical weaknesses as a fish is that you’re ‘sad’. Being sad and eating go together very nicely. Eat those feelings, you sad, desperate, fishy Piscean. I’ve got a great recipe for churros here. Beware of supermarket bakeries and post-Easter clearance chocolate. Looking in the fridge for late-night comfort will only work if you’ve remembered to buy food so don’t get behind on the grocery shopping.

Spirit Entity: Gordon Ramsay in full insane-rant-mode screaming GET THE FUUUCK OUT OF MY KITCHEN!! At you.


Aries AKA: Sheep with horns

One of your categorical likes is ‘wearing comfortable clothes’. If ‘wearing comfortable clothes’ was a Facebook Interests page, you’d have Liked it by now. No, wait: it definitely already exists, and you’re the main Admin because you also like ‘assuming leadership roles’. Lately the content has deteriorated into constant posting of Minions memes and ill-punctuated ‘home truths’ slogans that nearly always miss the mark, because another one of your Aries traits is that you’re impulsive, enthusiastic and also annoying. Sort it out. The Heavens are not smiling on you, crap Facebook page administrator.

Spirit Entity: The mom-turned-blogger who posts recipes that are just endless variations on s’mores. S’mores lasagne, anyone?


Taurus AKA: Grumpy cow

You might think your star sign is kinda badass, because it’s a bull. Just to bring you back to Earth and the realm of common sense, bulls are merely cows. Wide-assed, big-boned, graceless, sweaty, lumbering cows. They just happen to think they’re badass because they’ve had the sheer luck to be cast in the masculine role by whoever-the-fuck made up the Zodiac. Now, back to whatever we were talking about…your future? Taureans like cooking, gardening and working with their hands. This basically lays out your destiny as the next person who writes a self-funded, self-hyped book about nurturing your own organic kale and kohlrabi and subsisting purely on the products of your painfully earnest labour and the heat generated by your own smugness.

Spirit Entity: Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall’s much less inspiring neighbour who wears Crocs to take the compost out.


Gemini AKA: Twins? But these are meant to represent one person’s destiny? What the F

You’ve got some kind of issue here because your star sign is messed up a bit counter-intuitive. But it doesn’t really matter because I’m not relying heavily on accuracy. You probably work in a professional kitchen, because that’s what people with issues do. But you’re categorically nervous, inconsistent and indecisive so I see in your future that you’re going to have a minor breakdown in the middle of service because some dick dropped their handcut fries too early and threw off the timing of your aged beef sliders, and a bizarre split personality thing will manifest whereupon you plunge your own hand into the deep-fryer because you were hallucinating and thought it was your tub of Asian slaw prep. But I mean, this isn’t an exact science, so don’t be too concerned.

Spirit Entity: Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. Pick one. Actually don’t; they’re both relevant.


Cancer AKA: Crab, the creepy spider-thing of the sea

Cancer, you unfortunately grim medical-sounding sign. You’re a crab. That’s not a great start. Crabs are like fish, except weirder and more of a concern when you’re walking barefoot on a beach. Much like various species of crab, you are emotional and imaginative. When the going gets tough, you get going, because your emotions are just too extreme to capably handle anything. Just scuttling away down to the metaphorical tideline of overly-emotional weakness. Sideways, and occasionally flipping on your back by accident and helplessly waving your many horrible legs in the air. Attempt to only cry in private at work this year okay? Don’t be so goddamn sentimental all the time. Try to be more like a robot. But not a robot crab; that would be unsettling for others.

Spirit Entity: A Stepford Wife.


Virgo AKA: Chick with long hair

Oh, Virgo, you beautiful organic-free-range egg of a person. You’re a glowing, vibrant, carefree, really viscerally hateable kind of a guy/gal. If you were an Instagram hashtag, you’d be #blessed. Just to keep you grounded, I’m going to read the horoscope in a manner which might highlight the more crushingly humbling aspects of your future rather than the shiny, well-lit, Amaro-filtered outlook you’re used to. Your existence as a part-time pastry chef and full-time health food blogger/activewear wearer is becoming too tired, too mundane. Forget your coconut oil and chlorophyll bliss balls (‘bliss’ is something of a misnomer that you need to stop using in 2016 with regards to these things) and realise that the backlash is COMING. This year is all about things that you are not all about. You might as well join the Pisceans eating their sadness-churros and get on that s’mores lasagne bandwagon before it’s too late. Sorry to shit all over everything you stand for but really, enough is enough.

Spirit Entity: Also Taylor Swift, but the awkward, circa 2009 version with the giant guitar and the country-pop music that no one cares for any more.


Well that’s it for now folks. Join me for the next installation of the 2016 horoscope, where we cover all the other star signs that I missed this time around. If your fate wasn’t included, don’t worry. You’ll probably be fine.

Special thanks to this page for the basic information which helped me focus my all-seeing eye on the future.






One thought on “Highly Accurate Horoscope 2016

  1. Dame Rosa
    I am a Gemini who recently plunged a bare foot into some watery cat sick on the stairs. Does this mean 2016 is all downhill from here (I was walking downstairs at the time), or was it an hallucination? Could it have been a pungent dribble of salad dressing rather than cat vomit? I can’t decide.


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